Dear Bagels,
I can’t believe I’m having to write this letter. Where once we were inseparable, we’ve grown distant, apart, without the love that once defined us.
I suppose I should start from the beginning. The very beginning.
When I was a little girl you were deceptively simple. A dusting of poppy or sesame seeds adorned your warm rounded top. Portland had no bagel shops, so my east coast Jewish father would bake you himself. It was an all day endeavor, but worth every minute. Your yeasty scent would seep through the entire house, permeating our skin and relaxing our souls. Ahh . . . .
Fast forward 35 years, and your presence is now known throughout the nation. From convenience stores to upscale bakeries, you’ve snuck into our daily lives. No longer a rare treat, no longer a special event. But you were still special to me.
And sesame and poppy seeds were your only embellishment. Like Baskin-Robbins, your flavors are now endless.
I took all these changes in stride. I know that a relationship that cannot evolve is essentially doomed. But then you blind-sided me with changes that have ripped us apart and stomped my already fragile heart.
I all started last week when my dear sister brought over two bags of day-old bagels. This should not have been disastrous, yet it was. Disastrous, offensive and downright jarring to the soul.
Why so awful?
Two words — Pepper. Bagels.
Huge chunks of whole peppers dotted your innards, making each bite like a challenge on a reality TV show. And I knew then and there that our love affair was over. No longer could I have faith or trust in you. No longer could I offer you my unconditional love.
You know how I abhor food waste, which makes this situation that much more heartbreaking. You are garbage to me, not even good enough for bread crumbs or croutons.
Please do not attempt to contact me. I have said my piece and wish to spend some time reevaluating my tastes.
Forever yours, sincerely,
Katy Wolk-Stanley
“Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”
P.S. I saw you out with that shmear of a tart the other night, I hope you both burn in toaster!
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh. My. Gosh. That cracked me up! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
Like many problems that begin innocently when a sibling brings over 2 bags of day old anything, you have only one person to blame for the end of this relationship and that’s Jessica.
lol!! I would do the same thing with those bagels…eeew.
Katy
I don’t think it will get the message unless you do something drastic.
Change the lox.
Weston,
You made me do a snorty laugh!
Katy Wolk-Stanley
The Non-Consumer Advocate
Pepper Bagels? Hmm… I can see why they got tossed.
BUT the real reason I wanted to comment–homemade bagels don’t have to take all day! I made big batches of bagels (what alliteration!) several times last summer and had them ready for breakfast at 8am… I did start around 6:30, though. The recipe was from The New Farm Vegetarian Cookbook (fitting, since I was living at the Farm). They didn’t use yeast, so if you’re a purist, that might be bad, but they were pretty darn good, esp. with things like oats and toasted seeds inside.
Send those pepper bagels my way. I love ’em for lunch with turkey and cream cheese. Adds a nice bite!
Ha! I wonder if they were from the same bagel bakery I frequent. They have recently released the pepper bagel and that is just one flavor I haven’t been tempted to try. Glad I didn’t!
Drat! I was thinking of the possible puns for lox as I read…getting your key back so you don’t have to change the lox, but Weston beat me to it.
Great article and I needed the laugh today.
Happy to oblige!
Katy
Funny, I just heard from these bagels. They gave me this sob story about how some mean woman was wasting food, etc. I asked what flavor they were and they demurred and said something about ‘being found on every dinner table.’
But I wasn’t biting. I just said ‘Save it, pepper guts. I know salt bagels. I’ve eaten many a salt bagels. You’re no salt bagel.’
Jonathan,
Don’t believe a word he says, he’s just boiled is all.
Katy Wolk-Stanley
The Non-Consumer Advocate
Nasty.
I sure hope, though, that the picture was for illustrative purposes only and that the actual rejects went to compost or the birds or suchlike.
WilliamB,
Adding bagels into the compost pile would encourage vermin to take up residence, and I like birds too much to feed them something filled with whole peppercorns.
So I really did throw them into the garbage. ;-(
Katy Wolk-Stanley
The Non-Consumer Advocate
Explain, please? If I follow you correctly, then my question is if bagels attract vermin, what doesn’t?
Or maybe I misunderstood what you wrote.
http://lighterfootstep.com/2009/07/30-things-you-should-never-compost-or-recycle/
I occasionally put a little bit of bread into my compost pile, but I don’t think I’d put a whole bunch of bagels in.
I used to bake bagels the old-fashioned way, and it did take all day – Im going to look up the quick bagel recipe. The modern version of bagels is huge, fatty and high in refine carbs. I,too, long for the plain bagel of past years…
Good stuff! I wonder why your sister innocently dropped them off?? Hmmm….something to consider. 😀
Loved the post. Thanks Katy!