Farewell Dear Bagels — A “Dear John” Letter

by Katy on January 24, 2012 · 14 comments

The following is a reprint of a previously published post. Enjoy!

Dear Bagels,

I can’t believe I’m having to write this letter. Where once we were inseparable, we’ve grown distant, apart, without the love that once defined us.

I suppose I should start from the beginning. The very beginning.

When I was a little girl you were deceptively simple. A dusting of poppy or sesame seeds adorned your warm rounded top. Portland had no bagel shops, so my east coast Jewish father would bake you himself. It was an all day endeavor, but worth every minute.  Your yeasty scent would seep through the entire house, permeating our skin and relaxing our souls. Ahh . . . .

Fast forward 35 years, and your presence is now known throughout the nation. From convenience stores to upscale bakeries, you’ve snuck into our daily lives. No longer a rare treat, no longer a special event. But you were still special to me.

And sesame and poppy seeds were your only embellishment. Like Baskin-Robbins, your flavors are now endless.

I took all these changes in stride. I know that a relationship that cannot evolve is essentially doomed. But then you blind-sided me with changes that have ripped us apart and stomped my already fragile heart.

I all started last week when my dear sister brought over two bags of day-old bagels. This should not have been disastrous, yet it was. Disastrous, offensive and downright jarring to the soul.

Why so awful?

Two words — Pepper. Bagels.

Huge chunks of whole peppers dotted your innards, making each bite like a challenge on a reality TV show. And I knew then and there that our love affair was over. No longer could I have faith or trust in you. No longer could I offer you my unconditional love.

You know how I abhor food waste, which makes this situation that much more heartbreaking. You are garbage to me, not even good enough for bread crumbs or croutons.

Please do not attempt to contact me. I have said my piece and wish to spend some time reevaluating my tastes.

Forever yours, sincerely,

Katy Wolk-Stanley

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”

P.S. I saw you out with that shmear of a tart the other night, I hope you both burn in toaster!

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Laura's Last Ditch--Adventures in Thrift Land January 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

If you still had them, perhaps you could’ve made croutons, and then ground them to use in meat or lentil loaf, or as a coating for chicken. There’s almost always something to do! Did you ever figure anything out?


Katy January 24, 2012 at 10:41 am

Nope. They were stale to the point of almost-moldy by the time I decided I’d had enough of these monstrosities.

Of course, now, I would put them in our curbside compost, which did not exist when this post was first published.



Laura's Last Ditch--Adventures in Thrift Land January 24, 2012 at 10:11 am

Oh, wait. I see the photo of them is in a trash can.


michelle January 24, 2012 at 10:33 am

I love this post. I read it before and it still makes me laugh.


Jo January 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Whatever was your sister, let alone the bakery, thinking?? Heavens to betsy!


SMx January 24, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Noah’s purchase of Kettleman’s is already impacting our fair city.


Katie January 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I just have to say that while I was scrolling up on this post, I misread the title of your sister’s website as Robot Friendly Studio Illustration. The idea of a robot-friendly illustrator makes me very happy. I picture a happy robot shaking hands with your sis at the conclusion of a successful illustration job.


Katy January 24, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Maybe I can get my sister to change her studio name.



Kristin @ KlingtoCash January 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Wow. No wonder no one purchased them. Pepper bagels don’t sound remotely appealing.


Megan January 25, 2012 at 7:21 am

Sad story.


Ellie January 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

Well, too bad about the food waste, but what can you do?

But thank you for confirming my contention that bagels were a New York, or at least an East Coast, thing, until fairly recently in living memory! I remember telling people the shocking news that “they don’t have bagels in other parts of the country!”, back when I was a kid and travelled with my parents to the wilds of the not-East Coast. “They don’t have bagels!” I swore. People didn’t believe me – no bagels? Impossible! What do they eat for brunch?!


Miss Roman Apartment January 25, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Oh give me a break! You live in Portland, land of true-blue bagels, as opposed to the rest of the country that has to live on sad, donut shaped rolls from the freezer section. Are you going to complain about the quality of your soft tap water next, your highness?


Katy January 25, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Not to mention that the hipster TV shows that profile our fair city are too precious for words. 😉



Madeline January 26, 2012 at 10:22 am

(Grass always looks greener! especially on reality TV!!LOL!)
East West North South–I think the best food specialties TASTE best when MADE and CONSUMED in their home environs. i.e. Kansas City Barbecue, bagels, cheessteaks, grits , menudo,etc.

Southwest Jalapenos and east coast bagels all in one bite sounds truly disgusting. (I am FROM Philly but now reside happily in the deserts of Arizona)


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