The following is a reprint of a previously published post. Enjoy!
If you’re a fan of bargain hunting in thrift shops then you already know that demonic spirits can inhabit that pennies-on-the-dollar pair of Lucky brand jeans or even that adorable sweater. Televangelist Pat Robertson recently even advised a caller to The 700 Club on how to deal with evil demons in thrift shop clothing:
“It ain’t going to hurt anything to rebuke any spirits that happened to have attached themselves to those clothes.”
That’s right, folks. You now need at add evil spirits in your thrifted clothing to your already long list of worries.
Don’t know the methods to remove those pesky spirits? Well then, you’re in luck, as the following five step tutorial is 100% guaranteed to banish any and all demonic presence from your thrift shop purchases.
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Identify the Evil Presence — Is your sweater saturated with the spirit of a pus oozing demon that makes you buy Oreo cookies “for the kids’ lunches” and then forces you to eat them all yourself? Or perhaps your evil spirit is more along the lines of Robert Pattinson as Twilight’s hunky Edward the vampire. This first step is vitally important, as you do not want to accidentally banish a dreamy vampire from your clothing. Instead you’ll want to run a hot iron over the garment to forever imbed his presence. Trust me on this. Pattinson can stay.
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Incantations — Although this step is hotly debated among most demon hunters, I swear by it. Lay the garment across a flat surface such as a bed or a table. Then click over to Macklemore’s Thrift Shop You Tube video and sing along. It’s imperative that you not skip over the swearing, as those words hold the greatest power against evil spirits. Repeat this step if necessary.
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Smudge Sticks — Although sage is the preferred medium for a proper smudge stick, other materials work well in a pinch. Alternate smudge sticks can be constructed from churros, string cheese and tightly rolled tabloid magazines. Wave your smoking smudge stick over the affected garment and tell the spirit that it has your permission to pass through to the afterlife. Coughing enhances your message.
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Ouiji Board — This step may seem old school, but sometimes the classics hold the greatest power. This step requires at least three participants, preferably avid thrifters. When everyone has their fingertips on the planchette, it is your role to spell out the sentence, “Get the hell out of my sweater!” three times in a row. Do not tell your fellow thrifters that you guided the words, as this will send the demon deeper into the fibers of the sweater.
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Embrace the Demon — Put on the sweater and stand in front of a full length mirror. Stand with your back to the mirror and wrap your arms tightly around yourself so that it appears from behind that you are being hugged. Wriggle your arms around and make loud smacking noises until your shoulders start to ache. You will notice a sudden lightness that means that the demonic spirit has vacated the sweater.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank goodness for this post! My son needs a new jacket before homecoming, and I was just saying to myself, “I want to buy second hand, but what about those pesky thrift store demons?” Thank you, Katy!!!! (Seriously, thank you. This was a great laugh!)
LOL! This post just made my Friday.
No more mister nice girl: off to the charity (thrift) store I go. I’m sure I can find a hunky, well-intentioned rascally demon in there somewhere.
Of course, the alternative way to exorcise your demons is to add laundry softener for the final rinse cycle when you wash all those cares away, along with the iffy body odour smell. Oops: that was me. Must be the smell of hell…
Brimstone for tea, Vicar??
Hoo-Hah! What a classic. Thanks for the great tips.
That explains a lot of my problems.
Many years ago, friend of a friend actually believed in this! Also included in that were used household items and pieces of furniture. She would not let any used item in her house. To each their own, I guess.
Oh, Katy, that hiphop video is da bomb! I need to watch that every morning just to get revved up and ready to go! Thank you for finding it for us.
Exposure to a brisk wind and sunshine on the clothesline also makes those demons curl up and die. Unless they are a tough case, and then an application of lots of not-holy-water and some lavender essential oil combined with a cleansing trip through the miraculous washing machine will do them in.
That old post never stops being funny! 😀
I love your blog, Katy!
Haha, I have a thrifted cashmere sweater sitting on top of my dresser, with it’s Dry Clean Only label staring me down. I get it. Time to pull out the Ouiji Board.
So so funny!!! just read it again and still giggling
I don’t share Pat Robertson’s viewpoint, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to ridicule anyone’s religious views. I am surprised that you would think that’s an ok thing to do. Many cultures besides some radical Christian groups, believe in evil spirits.
I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the bible about demonic thrift store goods.
Hard to see why anyone would object to ridicule of the ridiculous.
This made me laugh. However, I have a true story….
I have bought and sold used, vintage and antique items for more than 20 years. Pre Great Recession, when traditional antiques were popular, I had an antique booth. My booth was in a popular location and my inventory turned over quickly. As a result, I spent a great deal of time in thrift stores, at auction, pursuing the classifieds, and estate saling.
One day, I stopped at a sale in a nearby town that was sparsely attended. The house felt a little weird, but I didn’t think anything of it. I kept shopping, and I was able to buy some really cool items for little money. As I was loading my car, the young man who was helping me told me the reason for the estate sale–the owner had been murdered in the house. I found this more than a little creepy. However, I brought my items home, cleaned them up, and put them in my booth for sale.
Although I rarely had any inventory for more than 60 days, I could not sell the items that I had purchased from that sale. They were in style and fairly priced. It just didn’t make sense. One of the mirrors even fell off the wall and broke. I eventually pulled these items and sent them to auction.
I am sure this is all a coincidence, and I still purchase used items. I usually love things with history or a story. However, now if a feel a negative vibe in a home, I leave without purchasing a thing. I don’t want to bring home any bad ju-ju
I bought my kids a really cute cartoon alarm clock at a yardsale that mysteriously goes off in the middle of the night at random. Beware of the demonic yardsale items, it’s a thing too!
I had a good laugh, especially the picture!
However, this is very “real” (the fear) for some people. My friends know that I love shopping at thrift stores and one of them told me to NEVER mention this at her mom’s place because she (he mom) would kick me out if she knew I’m wearing thrifted items. She is very (very!) afraid of bad spirits and believes that stuff from thrift stores can be haunted. It’s a phobia (she can’t breath close to cemetery, can’t go to funerals, etc… It’s major).
Isabelle, sorry to hear your Mom goes through this. We joke about it but I never thought it could be a real phobia for some folks. Perhaps the friend of a friend I mentioned above actually has to deal with a phobia or similar mindset. I will think twice about posting or talking about people who believe in this in the future.
It’s not my mom, it’s my friend’s mom. Thank Godness!
And apparently I need to read more carefully, too. Just reread it and see that is not your Mom but a friend’s Mom. I will still be more thoughtful in the future when posting things about other people’s beliefs.
The fear of spirits/cemetaries/funerals remind me of a former neighbor with a variety of OCD called “scrupulosity”, where she couldn’t pour a glass of juice for her kids if the glass had been upside down in the cupboard, because down = hell.
We can have compassion for those suffering from mental illness (which phobias are) while still realizing how completely unfounded the beliefs are. Especially for someone who claims to have turned a hurricane from its path when Virginia was never in the path to start with. Charlatans, be gone!