How to Remove Demonic Spirits From Your Thrift Shop Clothing — A Tutorial

by Katy on January 22, 2015 · 12 comments

I am sick as a dog, and instead of letting the blog lie dormant yet another day, I thought I’d repeat an old blog post. One of my favorites, really. Let’s call it throwback Thursday.

Click HERE to read this article in The Huffington Post.

Demonic thrift shop sweater

If you’re a fan of bargain hunting in thrift shops then you already know that demonic spirits can inhabit that pennies-on-the-dollar pair of Lucky brand jeans or even that adorable sweater. Televangelist Pat Robertson recently even advised a caller to The 700 Club on how to deal with evil demons in thrift shop clothing:

“It ain’t going to hurt anything to rebuke any spirits that happened to have attached themselves to those clothes.”

That’s right, folks. You now need at add evil spirits in your thrifted clothing to your already long list of worries.

Don’t know the methods to remove those pesky spirits? Well then, you’re in luck, as the following five step tutorial is 100% guaranteed to banish any and all demonic presence from your thrift shop purchases.

  1. Identify the Evil Presence — Is your sweater saturated with the spirit of a pus oozing demon that makes you buy Oreo cookies “for the kids’ lunches” and then forces you to eat them all yourself? Or perhaps your evil spirit is more along the lines of Robert Pattinson as Twilight’s hunky Edward the vampire. This first step is vitally important, as you do not want to accidentally banish a dreamy vampire from your clothing. Instead you’ll want to run a hot iron over the garment to forever imbed his presence. Trust me on this. Pattinson can stay.
  2. Incantations — Although this step is hotly debated among most demon hunters, I swear by it. Lay the garment across a flat surface such as a bed or a table. Then click over to Macklemore’s Thrift Shop You Tube video and sing along. It’s imperative that you not skip over the swearing, as those words hold the greatest power against evil spirits. Repeat this step if necessary.
  3. Smudge Sticks — Although sage is the preferred medium for a proper smudge stick, other materials work well in a pinch. Alternate smudge sticks can be constructed from churros, string cheese and tightly rolled tabloid magazines. Wave your smoking smudge stick over the affected garment and tell the spirit that it has your permission to pass through to the afterlife. Coughing enhances your message.
  4. Ouiji Board — This step may seem old school, but sometimes the classics hold the greatest power. This step requires at least three participants, preferably avid thrifters. When everyone has their fingertips on the planchette, it is your role to spell out the sentence, “Get the hell out of my sweater!” three times in a row. Do not tell your fellow thrifters that you guided the words, as this will send the demon deeper into the fibers of the sweater.
  5. Embrace the Demon — Put on the sweater and stand in front of a full length mirror. Stand with your back to the mirror and wrap your arms tightly around yourself so that it appears from behind that you are being hugged. Wriggle your arms around and make loud smacking noises until your shoulders start to ache. You will notice a sudden lightness that means that the demonic spirit has vacated the sweater.

Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a demon-free thrift shop sweater! And all it took was five easy steps.

Good thing you had The Non-Consumer Advocate on your side.

Katy Wolk-Stanley

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Emily @ Simple Cheap Mom January 22, 2015 at 11:44 am

Hilarious! Thanks for reposting for us newer readers. I hope that you start feeling better soon.


Katy January 22, 2015 at 12:43 pm

Thank you, I think I’m on the mend, but it takes time.


Lori January 22, 2015 at 11:51 am

OMG! I have to tell you that I laughed “out loud” (at work) when I saw your pic (in a good way). You are the best!!! Thank you!
Take care,


Katy January 22, 2015 at 12:43 pm

Umm . . . you’re welcome. 😉


Isabelle January 22, 2015 at 5:01 pm

My friend’s mom is soooo afraid of the dead that, if she knows you are wearing used clothes you won’t be allowed in her house (because the previous owner might be dead)…. yeah…. well, if onky she knew how many “spirits” I might have brought in over the years….


Katy January 22, 2015 at 6:33 pm

As an RN, I hardly have the luxury of being afraid of the dead.


Isabelle January 24, 2015 at 6:50 pm

I also work in an hospital, so right there with you!


Diane January 23, 2015 at 5:48 am

Feel better soon!


Beth January 23, 2015 at 5:47 pm

I love #TBT on new blogs I read 🙂 Thanks for the laugh! Hope you’re feeling better.


Jill January 26, 2015 at 9:02 am

I sent a copy of this to my husband, who nearly fell off the sofa laughing!


lee January 26, 2015 at 1:00 pm

I can’t help wondering if that televangelist has shares in Levis or something? 😉

Great post. I laughed really hard – as did the family.


Diane C January 27, 2015 at 12:29 pm

Long time reader and fan here… I can’t believe I missed this post! Thanks for the time capsule chortle, Katy. I hope you’re feeling like your funny-ass self again soon.
P.S. We went to the Frank Gehry-designed EMP Museum in Seattle last year and absolutely loved the Macklemore Exhibit. There was even a rack of (presumably and hopefully) thrifted clothes that you could dress up in and make your own video. DH had never seen it (poor dear), so we watched the video a couple of times and laughed ourselves silly over it. Afterward, we found ourselves singing about popping tags everywhere we went. For our own protection, we avoided the Nordstrom Mothership (and all other retailers) at all costs.


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