How to Remove Demonic Spirits From Your Thrift Shop Clothing — A Tutorial

by Katy on February 27, 2013 · 17 comments

Note — This tutorial is also available to read on today’s Huffington Post. I’d super duper appreciate it if you clicked over to also read/comment/share/Tweet/like/whatever the article there. Without the extra love and attention, the article has almost no chance of getting read.

Click HERE to read the Huffington Post article.

Thank you!!!!

Demonic thrift shop sweater

If you’re a fan of bargain hunting in thrift shops then you already know that demonic spirits can inhabit that pennies-on-the-dollar pair of Lucky brand jeans or even that adorable sweater. Televangelist Pat Robertson recently even advised a caller to The 700 Club on how to deal with evil demons in thrift shop clothing:

“It ain’t going to hurt anything to rebuke any spirits that happened to have attached themselves to those clothes.”

That’s right, folks. You now need at add evil spirits in your thrifted clothing to your already long list of worries.

Don’t know the methods to remove those pesky spirits? Well then, you’re in luck, as the following five step tutorial is 100% guaranteed to banish any and all demonic presence from your thrift shop purchases.

  1. Identify the Evil Presence — Is your sweater saturated with the spirit of a pus oozing demon that makes you buy Oreo cookies “for the kids’ lunches” and then forces you to eat them all yourself? Or perhaps your evil spirit is more along the lines of Robert Pattinson as Twilight’s hunky Edward the vampire. This first step is vitally important, as you do not want to accidentally banish a dreamy vampire from your clothing. Instead you’ll want to run a hot iron over the garment to forever imbed his presence. Trust me on this. Pattinson can stay.
  2. Incantations — Although this step is hotly debated among most demon hunters, I swear by it. Lay the garment across a flat surface such as a bed or a table. Then click over to Macklemore’s Thrift Shop You Tube video and sing along. It’s imperative that you not skip over the swearing, as those words hold the greatest power against evil spirits. Repeat this step if necessary.
  3. Smudge Sticks — Although sage is the preferred medium for a proper smudge stick, other materials work well in a pinch. Alternate smudge sticks can be constructed from churros, string cheese and tightly rolled tabloid magazines. Wave your smoking smudge stick over the affected garment and tell the spirit that it has your permission to pass through to the afterlife. Coughing enhances your message.
  4. Ouiji Board — This step may seem old school, but sometimes the classics hold the greatest power. This step requires at least three participants, preferably avid thrifters. When everyone has their fingertips on the planchette, it is your role to spell out the sentence, “Get the hell out of my sweater!” three times in a row. Do not tell your fellow thrifters that you guided the words, as this will send the demon deeper into the fibers of the sweater.
  5. Embrace the Demon — Put on the sweater and stand in front of a full length mirror. Stand with your back to the mirror and wrap your arms tightly around yourself so that it appears from behind that you are being hugged. Wriggle your arms around and make loud smacking noises until your shoulders start to ache. You will notice a sudden lightness that means that the demonic spirit has vacated the sweater.

Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a demon-free thrift shop sweater! And all it took was five easy steps.

Good thing you had The Non-Consumer Advocate on your side.

Katy Wolk-Stanley

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Trisha February 27, 2013 at 9:44 am

This? Is the best post EVER. Thanks for the laugh!


Katy February 27, 2013 at 9:50 am

Thank you! Needless to say it was fun to write, and I cracked myself up while doing it. 😀



Rowen G. February 27, 2013 at 11:59 am

Demons are apparently easier to get rid of than cat-pee in boots? I like the notion of smudging with string-cheese, as burning sage makes me sneeze. Junk mail might work too. 😉

Thanks for a good laugh.


patti February 27, 2013 at 3:04 pm

I laughed out loud when I saw this article debated this morning on a friend’s Facebook page. Thank you for stepping up to the demons and showing us how to get rid of them… because I , for one, am not going to give up thrift shopping!!


Katy February 27, 2013 at 7:43 pm

What’s to debate? Do people really believe this stuff?

Do people believe that Scooby Doo was real?



Brenda February 28, 2013 at 12:30 am

Don’t go joking about Scooby Doo!
That is serious business…
Since I can freely hide behind my computer screen I willing to admit that I was scared to death to watch Scooby Doo my entire childhood. Pathetic I know, weird thing is I wasn’t afraid of hardly anything as a kid…well just weiner dogs (you really don’t want to know why!)and the Scooby Doo show.


Sara Wolk October 25, 2014 at 6:31 pm

Scooby Doo wasn’t real!????!!!!


Katy October 26, 2014 at 10:19 am

Sorry, sweetie.


Tiffany (NatureMom) February 27, 2013 at 5:33 pm

What a treat! Loved this, especially the dreamy vampire stuff…good to know.


Kate February 28, 2013 at 4:09 am

Man, I thought this was going to be a post on how to get the stinkies out. (Whatever happened with cat pee boots?) But this totally blew my mind. Now I know that it’s not MY fault I ate all those oreos- darn demon sweater!!!


Katy February 28, 2013 at 10:59 am

The cat pee boots were returned for full credit.



Rebecca February 28, 2013 at 7:11 am

FOR a smudge stick I would suggest using a random credit card offer that comes in the mail, or better yet a statement showing your credit debt paid off!


Katy February 28, 2013 at 10:59 am

Good to know. Where were you when I was writing this piece? 😉



Cathy February 28, 2013 at 12:48 pm

Your HuffPo version was just re-posted on Apartment Therapy:


gabrielle February 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm

Very, very funny. 🙂


anexactinglife March 2, 2013 at 3:26 am

I like your little jabs at the Right 🙂


Kathleen March 2, 2013 at 10:31 pm

It’s too late for me–I’ve been wearing un-exorcised thrift finds for years! Hmmm, wouldn’t they get ousted in the rinse cycle? 😉


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