As the Non-Consumer Advocate, I’ve had many years to hone my superior skills. I shop the thrifts, minimize my garbage output and take full advantage of frugal shopping opportunities. But you’re not me, so you might be doing things all wrong.
How do you know if you’re nailing this whole non-consumer thing?
1) You’re smart about using coupons, especially when that item is already on sale. Even if it means spending all day driving from store to store (to store) to snap up all the great deals. A basement full of neatly arranged Axe body sprays is a sign that you’re well on your way to non-consumer perfection!
2) You’re very mindful about choosing a zero waste lifestyle, and have taken the important step of canceling your curbside garbage pickup. Instead, you bag up your garbage and drop it in the bins at work or use the cloak of night to add to your neighbor’s cans. You care about the environment and should brag about your accomplishments whenever possible. Every awkward silence is an opportunity to spread the word.
3) Just because you’re a non-consumer doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. You know to schedule dates with friends in fancy restaurants. But you’re on an enviable budget, so you order water and a small appetizer instead of an entree. Then it’s just a matter of sneaking bites from your friends while asking the waiter to “keep the bread basket coming!” And when it’s time to figure out the gratuity, you bring up how Europeans don’t tip and that you’re a “Francophile.”
4) You’re such a non-consumer that you could’t be paid to step foot into a mall. Instead you haunt the thrift stores for bargains galore. And when no one’s looking, you switch tags to get a better deal. Who are these thrift stores to charge so much for donated goods in the first place? It’s not like they paid for their inventory! Sure they have overhead like paying their lease and their employees, but the humane society, homeless people or whatever other ridiculous charitable organization that’s getting funds from the store don’t understand how you’re a non-consumer, and on a mission to break free from the shackles of capitalism!
5) Your house is filled to the rafters with amazing stuff you got for free. Other people might throw away perfectly good old newspapers, broken plastic chairs and rain soaked plaid couches, but you’re a true non-consumer who sees potential where others see nothing. Sure, your house is hard to navigate and your friends and family keep staging interventions, but they’re just consumer drones who follow the mindless American practice of giving up on inanimate objects. C’mon sheeple, open your eyes!
Are you following my all important non-consumer practices? Excellent! Now go pull a gold star from the garbage and flaunt your superiority to the world.
I’m so very proud of you!
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Katy Wolk-Stanley
“Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”
{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this Katy! Happy April Fool’s Day! 🙂
Poppin’ tags at the thrift store!! passin’ up on those moccasins someone else has been walking’ in!
Walk up to the club like, whattup I got a big . . .
I wear your granddad’s coat, I look incredible!
Ha! I didn’t catch on until the end of #3! Happy April Fool’s Day to YOU!
I needed this today – it made me smile!
Happy to oblige!
Thanks, I needed some humor today, let me tell you! Have a great spring day, everyone.
Perfectly captures the difference between frugal and offensively cheap!
a few of these rang very true for some people I know… nice work! 🙂
I pride myself on trying to live in a more frugal sustainable life. I find it quite unacceptable with the tips in# 2 and 4. Canceling your curbside garbage is fine, but continuing to produce waste and suggesting to pass it off on someone else’s containers “in the cloak of night ” is wrong. Also suggesting you switch tags anywhere to get a better deal is dishonest.
Hmm . . . I’m not sure if you’re getting that it’s an April Fool’s Day joke. And by the way, all five examples are supposed to elicit a response of “No!” If just two did, then I didn’t do my job well. 😉
you did your job well, but irony just isn’t for everyone. I had a big smile on my face when reading
Well, since this was an April Fool joke, #2 & 4 were just that, jokes.
Omg…a basement full of Axe…lol. This post brought me some much needed laughter today.
Got it in one. HAHAHA. Driving around for Axe. Oh man.
What?!???? So I can’t keep stealing from used store, not tip at the restaurant and throw my garbage bags at neighbors? Daaaaaaamit! 😝
I was a little slow to pick up but loved it!
You are such a great writer!
Thank you, that’s very sweet of you to say.
Sooooo clever. Love it!
#3 does remind me of a dear friend’s dad. I love the guy but when he goes to out to eat with anyone, he doesn’t order anything. Instead, he waits until everyone is full and eats what they can’t or won’t. He says ordering food out is a waste of money and instead, spends that money on books.
As a bibliophile, I sort of find this logic hard to argue with– but then I have a spending money eating out problem I need to curb.
He must have taken his depression-era lessons to heart throughout his entire life!
When I saw the Axe, I thought, what…..?
Then I suddenly realized there might be an April Fool joke coming, and there was! Great!
But you didn’t include the tip about “borrowing” your neighbor’s water at their outside faucet to water your lawn when they are at work! A friend of mine discovered her neighbors were doing just that!
Yikes! Why on earth would you make an enemy of someone you live right next door to?
It’s a head scratcher, isn’t it? Are you surprised to hear my friend moved shortly after this family moved in?
I caught a construction company doing this when they were working on our road. We’re a 1 car family, so I presume they thought nobody was at home when my husband was at work. I went and gave them a piece of my mind and then called the police and construction company to speak to them.
Hahaha!!! too funny, Katy!
You might be a non-consumer if…you can’t throw out magazines and old books that MIGHT be useful…someday! ;-}
Thanks for the laugh and the reverse wisdom regarding #3. In several weeks I am going on vacation with dear childhood friends that spend money like water. In there defense they can afford to. Anyway I have been stressing out because I have changed and no longer go to fancy restaurants and spend a ton of money. I had already decided I will drink water (my usual) and eat an appetizer. There will be no way to save the too much food they give you when you order an entree. After reading #3 maybe I can loosen up. These friendships mean alot to me. And I see them very infrequently.
not looking at the date of the post, I was getting more irritated by the sentence to the point of thinking ‘thief’. Good April Fool’s post 🙂
“Every awkward silence is an opportunity to spread the word.” <– this is my favorite, hahaha.
I am embarrassed to admit how long it too me to figure this one out. Still had some pretty great nuggets in the "opposite" world.