Farewell Dear Bagels — A “Dear John” Letter

by Katy on January 16, 2015 · 10 comments

The following is a reprint of a previously published post. Enjoy!

Dear Bagels,

I can’t believe I’m having to write this letter. Where once we were inseparable, we’ve grown distant, apart, without the love that once defined us.

I suppose I should start from the beginning. The very beginning.

When I was a little girl you were deceptively simple. A dusting of poppy or sesame seeds adorned your warm rounded top. Portland had no bagel shops, so my east coast Jewish father would bake you himself. It was an all day endeavor, but worth every minute.  Your yeasty scent would seep through the entire house, permeating our skin and relaxing our souls. Ahh . . . .

Fast forward 35 years, and your presence is now known throughout the nation. From convenience stores to upscale bakeries, you’ve snuck into our daily lives. No longer a rare treat, no longer a special event. But you were still special to me.

And sesame and poppy seeds were your only embellishment. Like Baskin-Robbins, your flavors are now endless.

I took all these changes in stride. I know that a relationship that cannot evolve is essentially doomed. But then you blind-sided me with changes that have ripped us apart and stomped my already fragile heart.

I all started last week when my dear sister brought over two bags of day-old bagels. This should not have been disastrous, yet it was. Disastrous, offensive and downright jarring to the soul.

Why so awful?

Two words — Pepper. Bagels.

Huge chunks of whole peppers dotted your innards, making each bite like a challenge on a reality TV show. And I knew then and there that our love affair was over. No longer could I have faith or trust in you. No longer could I offer you my unconditional love.

You know how I abhor food waste, which makes this situation that much more heartbreaking. You are garbage to me, not even good enough for bread crumbs or croutons.

Please do not attempt to contact me. I have said my piece and wish to spend some time reevaluating my tastes.

Forever yours, sincerely,

Katy Wolk-Stanley

“Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”

P.S. I saw you out with that shmear of a tart the other night, I hope you both burn in toaster!

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Lynda D. January 16, 2015 at 10:42 pm

Ouch! That had to hurt. First of all – peppers!? Really? And throwing them out 🙁

I have a suggestion if this ever happens again. (also good for any stale bread/rolls)
Savory bread pudding.
Cut the bagels into cubes, beat together egg, milk and seasonings, pour over the bagel cubes to soak, stir in cheese (other ingredients optional). Bake. The cubing will cut the peppers into smaller pieces. The egg/cheese addition will tone down the spiciness of the pepper (if it was very spicy).


Lynda D. January 17, 2015 at 4:46 pm

Whole black peppercorns ?! Yikes.
Please disregard my previous post.


Diane C January 17, 2015 at 8:29 am

What kind of peppers? I love jalapeno bagels, but green peppers sound gross. Of course, I’m a shiksa, so what do I know?


Katy January 17, 2015 at 12:23 pm

Whole black peppers. The kind that normally get ground up to sprinkle on food.


Diane C January 18, 2015 at 12:00 pm

As in peppercorns? Someone could break a tooth biting into one of those, not to mention the supply cost for the baker. Weird, weird, weird! But hey, it inspired a hilarious post (and re-post) so it wasn’t all bad, right?


Debi January 19, 2015 at 7:14 am

Could you have ground the bagels up and froze the crumbs for bread crumbs for something else? Or at least toss them to the wild life?


Katy January 19, 2015 at 10:47 am

Yes I could have, and probably should have.


Diane C January 20, 2015 at 10:48 am

I think feeding bread to wildlife is discouraged these days. I’d bet whole peppercorns could problematic for them as well. Letting the bagels die might have been the most charitable option for all involved. And with that, I promise to stop beating the dead peppercorn bagel horse.


KAREN January 20, 2015 at 10:20 am

I love that my son works in a bagel shop that makes them fresh every day and that they are a normal size!


Randi January 22, 2015 at 8:57 am

Its so hard to find a really good NY bagel. I was born in NY, and we moved to S. FL when I was 3 so I grew up eating fantastic NY Bagels( pretty much everyone that lived where I grew up was a NY Jew). When I moved to Canada, I ended up baking my own NY bagels using high gluten flour, and non-diastetic malt. They were a labor of love because they needed to be hand rolled and the dough was so stiff that I blew out my beloved kitchen aid mixer. Now that I’m back in Cali, still can’t find really excellent bagels. Last time I went to NYC, I brought back a dozen, cut them into 3rds( they are huge) and savor a piece ( toatsted). I do prefer them fresh. I still have all the ingredients to make my own, and I’ve done it a few times, but I don’t want all those fresh bagels calling my name.


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