The Non-Consumer Advocate

Note — This tutorial is also available to read on today’s Huffington Post. I’d super duper appreciate it if you clicked over to also read/comment/share/Tweet/like/whatever the article there. Without the extra love and attention, the article has almost no chance of getting read.

Click HERE to read the Huffington Post article.

Thank you!!!!

If you’re a fan of bargain hunting in thrift shops then you already know that demonic spirits can inhabit that pennies-on-the-dollar pair of Lucky brand jeans or even that adorable sweater. Televangelist Pat Robertson recently even advised a caller to The 700 Club on how to deal with evil demons in thrift shop clothing:

“It ain’t going to hurt anything to rebuke any spirits that happened to have attached themselves to those clothes.”

That’s right, folks. You now need at add evil spirits in your thrifted clothing to your already long list of worries.

Don’t know the methods to remove those pesky spirits? Well then, you’re in luck, as the following five step tutorial is 100% guaranteed to banish any and all demonic presence from your thrift shop purchases.

1. Identify the Evil Presence — Is your sweater saturated with the spirit of a pus oozing demon that makes you buy Oreo cookies “for the kids’ lunches” and then forces you to eat them all yourself? Or perhaps your evil spirit is more along the lines of Robert Pattinson as Twilight’s hunky Edward the vampire. This first step is vitally important, as you do not want to accidentally banish a dreamy vampire from your clothing. Instead you’ll want to run a hot iron over the garment to forever imbed his presence. Trust me on this. Pattinson can stay.

2. Incantations — Although this step is hotly debated among most demon hunters, I swear by it. Lay the garment across a flat surface such as a bed or a table. Then click over to Macklemore’s Thrift Shop You Tube video and sing along. It’s imperative that you not skip over the swearing, as those words hold the greatest power against evil spirits. Repeat this step if necessary.

3. Smudge Sticks — Although sage is the preferred medium for a proper smudge stick, other materials work well in a pinch. Alternate smudge sticks can be constructed from churros, string cheese and tightly rolled tabloid magazines. Wave your smoking smudge stick over the affected garment and tell the spirit that it has your permission to pass through to the afterlife. Coughing enhances your message.

4. Ouiji Board — This step may seem old school, but sometimes the classics hold the greatest power. This step requires at least three participants, preferably avid thrifters. When everyone has their fingertips on the planchette, it is your role to spell out the sentence, “Get the hell out of my sweater!” three times in a row. Do not tell your fellow thrifters that you guided the words, as this will send the demon deeper into the fibers of the sweater.

5. Embrace the Demon — Put on the sweater and stand in front of a full length mirror. Stand with your back to the mirror and wrap your arms tightly around yourself so that it appears from behind that you are being hugged. Wriggle your arms around and make loud smacking noises until your shoulders start to ache. You will notice a sudden lightness that means that the demonic spirit has vacated the sweater.

Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of a demon-free thrift shop sweater! And all it took was five easy steps.

Good thing you had The Non-Consumer Advocate on your side.

Katy Wolk-Stanley

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Whenever I write about my local Portland area thrift shops, I always get lots of feedback along the lines of:

“You always find such good stuff. I never find anything good at my thrift shops.”

As if my Goodwills are packed to the rafters with nothing but priceless vintage gems priced pennies on the dollar. And yes, I do bring home more than my fair share of great finds. But I also walk out empty handed more often than not, and it’s not uncommon for me to buy something and end up returning it. (Portland Goodwills have a return-for-store-credit policy that works well for me.)

Just yesterday, I snuck a short Goodwill trip into my day, (it was right next to the errand I was running — honest!) and came across this great mid-century chair:

• Affordable at $19.99? Check.
• Great lines? Check.
• Sturdy? Check.
• Similar to this $650 chair? Check.
• Fabric in almost like-new condition? Check.
• Super comfy looking? Check.
• Receipt taped to arm indicating that the chair has already been bought? Check.

Damn.

Goodwill Fail.

But that’s okay, I guess, there’s tons of other great stuff to be found, like this brand new looking pair of sheepskin Ugg boots:

• My size? (Women’s size 11 — don’t judge.) Check.
• Cool looking, but not at the expense of comfort? Check.
• So comfy feeling that my feet felt sad and lonely after trying them on? Check.
• Affordable at $23.75? Check.
• Once home and away from the hubbub of the thrift shop they smell strongly of cat urine? Check.

Damn, and blegh . . . somebody come scald off the outer layer of my feet. Stat!

Goodwill Fail.

Luckily the trip was not a total fail, as I scored this vintage McCoy bowl:

• Affordable at $1.99? Check.
• In near-perfect condition? Check.
• With pretty feather-like pattern? Check.
• Mesh well with my decor. Checkety-check!

Look at how it effortlessly it blends with the pottery on my mantle, and even pairs well with the yellow tones in my Maxfield Parrish print:

Finally, a Goodwill Win!

I was starting to think I was losing my touch.

Katy Wolk-Stanley

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